*~ Garuman's Online Album & Journal ~*

Hard question really, but I dunno.. but they would include the following:

• call up all my friends or see them if I can and tell them I love them and I will miss them when I'm gone!
• annoy the neighbours by streaking down the road.. lol..
• play tennis at BSHS with my foster father and tell him I'll miss him!
• tell my parents that I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill their dream of becoming a pharmacist
• fly a kite I made myself that flies
• go fishing
• go shopping
• eat A LOT of sushi
• clean up my room.. lol.. y not? I'll never be able to again.. lol..

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."
 - Bernard Meltzer

• some one who tells you they like you the way you are and MEANS it
• some one who cares
• some one who accepts you for who you are
• some one who is a shoulder to cry on
• some one who knows when you're in a bad mood
• some one who doesn't mind you crying to them
• some one who gives you a tissue when you need one
• some one who gives you hugs when you need or want one
• some one who will talk to you even if they are a bit busy, but know that you need them more than the guy who is standing next to them

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ID photos today.. finally!  I hope mine turns out okay, I'm gonna go next lesson with Shruti.  She's back from India and she got me a really nice bag!!! :D  Really happy cuz I LOVE BAGS!!  It's red and I don't have a red bag so yea.. all cool!  I'm gonna take it with me on the weekend to Forest Lake.. I'll find clothes to match.. :D

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Wierd things.. gosh.. I swear the resolution of my PC has changed..

Anyways.. the school has a Free Dress Day tomorrow for Innisfail State High School, y'know cyclone Larry... Poor people mm?

:'(  I duno.. I really don't..

"Remember, when all else fails, life is a fatal sexually transmitted condition, so enjoy it while you can." - Dr Philip Norrie

He he.. I think the things above look cute.. :D

So damn tired!!  Mum insisted on driving me to school today after I missed the bus because I woke up late... :( So not my bad! Lol.. sid anyone says that anymore.. lol

P.E. today.. mmm.. right-io.. Cross Country course I think.. oh how fun.. not! I can't beleive at OLA/OLC they have P.E. as optional! Lucky ducks...

There are so many things that I think about, yet when asked I find it hard to string words together.. like I'm lost in my own thoughts.. not good considering it had caused me to think like this... Not good!

Mum promises me that I can go visit my Melbourne family (cousins but they are family so yea) on the June/July holidays.. I'm thilled because a) I miss them heaps and b) I want to get away from 'here' for a while.. of course I will miss my friends up here and what not but how many chances do I get to paint my little cousin's toenails?  I need to take a photo of that!

Oh.. and I'm saving up to either get a new digital camera or a a memory card or whatever they are called for my current camera... Yes.. but I'm not sparing that Mimco scarf at David Jones! I'm going back! :D

Ahhh... shopping... :D

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I want to go on a road trip with close friends when it comes to Schoolies.. I hope my parents will let me go!! :D

I went to the Nursing Centre/Sick Bay/School Health Centre/whatever it is called now this morning...   I will be going back to Mater soon.. maybe like some time this week or something - it's for my own good..

The holidays are coming up.. Yeay..

Okay.. I know it sounds weird if you have known me for a while but I like necklaces now.. *shock* *horror* lol... nah, I'm not joking! I bought myself a necklace I think a month or two ago.. I like it and it's got a love heart on it.. but I haven't worn it anywhere.. I just wanna look at it.. lol.. of course it's not real but hey I like it it doesn't matter.. I also got a black necklace.. see photo of me in my gallery with all my bangles and Julie's bangles.  :D  Yea.. I plan on asking people for such gifts now.. I mean when people used to ask me what I want them to get me I'd say something green, then I'd say a bag and Lisa bought me a green bag that imitated an Hermes Kelly bag.. but she knew I didn't like it and since I didn't want it to go to waste I gave it to Amber so yea... Lisa knows and she's all cool about it so yea.

I got off what I was saying.. lol.. yea.. oh.. and I love earrings!  I think one of the things that keeps me sane is going shopping.. lol.. I really do have an obsession there.. lol..

So friends, my top 3 things to get me for Easter:

1. Drop earrings.. (I don't like hoops because it takes forever to put on and take off)  there is a great selection at Diva...
2. Bangles.. Tree of Life have really nice ones.
3. Necklaces... there are great looking ones at Diva as well but I like the plastic ones with beads and stuff.. :)

N.B. Don't get me chocolate because I'll only eat it and won't remember you gave me something.. lol.. no jokes, I want something to keep as well...

Okay friends.. please post what YOU want me to get you for Easter cuz I have very little idea what you want if you just want chocolate you don't have to post anything cuz i'd get you guys choclate anyways.. :D

"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks;
A woman loses hers after four kisses"

- H.L. Mencken

I would say.. only with a man that she loves... or at least is attracted to...

I got a new mattress! It's light blue and goes well with my blue matress sheet thing and pillow cover.. but it doesn't match my red racing car bed... Oh well.. :)

Things are pretty good now.. I'm in a better mood.. School will be okay.  I mean I have to do much more work  then other people just to do what they do normally because I'm so slow at understanding the concepts.. that's knida bad.. but I'm hanging in.. :)

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Why.. why?

“To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by the one you love is everything." - Anon

I love it! :D

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I'm in a state of mass confusion atm...

• the size that it says on the label isn't always your size...

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Either my clothes are all getting bigger (yes, including my under garments!  But my bras are still all cool.. lol) and I'm getting smaller or something wierd is going on and somehow I just can't fit my clothes anymore... they are kinda loose... I mean, c'mon I was a size 10 undies AOS (at one stage and bigger probably before... yea... I was...[looks down]) and now I'm a size 8... am I just going to get smaller? 

That's horrible - what am I going to do with all the clothes that I love and can't wear any more?  That orange Agent 99 or something top from General Pants that I love so much... I can't wear it anymore.... :'( 

I mean.. think about it.. I was the chubbiest kid ever and I was teased so bad for that... My parents recall how I came home every day from primary school blue because the other kids at school had taken all me lunch.. and that not only happened for a day, or a week, or a month... it was several years...  We did take it up with the principal but there was little done about the matter and my parents decide that I should go to a private school... just when I had started to make friends.. it was bad.. I remember sitting in the school library watching 'Matilda'... I've never finished watching that movie...

We cannot forget the past because it has made us who we are, but who we are now makes us who we will be in the future.

I think that that is something to think about... I didn't quote it directly but I gave my interpretation of it because I don't remember.. lol.. :) mean, I thought about it but I didn't think much, just on a superficial level...

No maths tutoring today for me.. I feel considerably better than I did yesterday - I'm taking that as a good sign...

I am so grateful for the people I have... Even though I have two certificates in hospitaly, I can barely cook, Chien said "We still love you."  Chien, you don't know how much that means to me when I feel so down, I remember things that happen, mostly the bad, but I'm trying to remember the good things, and since that was recent (the other night actually) I have put in my plan to be more positive... I know some people think I'm calm.. (yes, Porter) all the time and I should become a phycologist.. lol... I'd have to give myself therepy first.. lol...

Urgh... :(

My scanner thinks its upside down.. lol... I have to put the thing to be scanned in backwards.. lol...

Had a day off school yesterday - still totally drained though... I just woke up and was trying to get ready for school and knew that I just wasn't up for it.  The previous night at maths tutoring my tutor said, quote, "You're out of your mind".  I got defensive and was like no, but when I addmitted that I thought so too, it's not like he would listen.. [shrugs]...

Can I help feeling this way? I know what triggered this and I want it to go away... it is taking up so much of my energy.... I don't know how much longer I can hang on...  I feel like I did 5 years ago, and that scares me.. I can't and don't want to believe that a simple thing like this has triggered such an emothional and pyhsical (can't spell...) urh.. reaction? 

My mind has gone bonkers - I hope just to make it to the end of the day now.. I feel like everything is too much for me.. I feel weak, I am weak.  I feel sad.  I am sad...

English.  It was my favourite subject because I could understand what the teacher was talking about.  Now I don't know what I understand.  There is a need to understand, yet I can't...  I am falling back into that hole I tried to get out of... or maybe I was always in it...

Home now.. my mind is too filled just trying to control myself from not thinking stupid things.. [sighs].. It takes up so much effort to just try and not think about something.. I have tried to fight it before but I was not strong enough and I seeked proffessional help, I ran away though because I saw how much it upsetted my mother.  I don't want to upset her and I have never intentionally tried to hurt her - unless it was some joke...

Now I have to use the majoring of what energy I have left to try and stop these thoughts from ruining me agian.  I feel unstable, like I will collapse any second now.  I can't handle it.. but I am trying.. I am trying more then I ever have because I know what I think may not be true.  I KNOW that I have reasons to live and that I shouldn't be so comsumed in my thoughts as to let it ruin what I have a second time round...

School work is of second priority now.. I just want to concentrate on not going "crazy".  Yes, I have been labled that...  None other than my maths tutor I think... 

I don't blame anyone for expressing their opinions of me to me because honesty is prefered because at least it's true.

I'm not saying I've been lied to my whole life.. I've just never trusted people so much.. I am learning but now I just want to live day by day.. and I'm taking it day by day.  I can't think  for tommorrow or the day after tommorrow.. Okay, I am thinking about tommorrow.. school.. I don't think I'm up for maths tutoring though.. [sighs]...

I got this idea off artysf... : )

I guess if you can be yourself around them, they listen to you when you need an ear, they love you for who you are and when they want to change you, it's only for the better? :D Urh..... I dunno.. haha..

Please add what you think.. : )

Yet another day in the life of mwah... 

Since my last journal entry, things have been okay.. I mean, I haven't lost anything and think I have only gained... not in weight I don't think.. lol.. I mean, I wouldn't know because the scales in the bathroom are not working any more... I think it ran out of batteries.. much to the dismay of my uncle.. lol.. but I'm not obsessed with my weight - I eat what I like and I do what I like (within limitations of course).

I am SO not into sports... I dunno if I will ever play netball again I swear.. I mean, play not just be inthe gym in my sports gear and walk around in a lame attempt to make it look like I am trying ot burn calories - that I don't do.. I mean, the only reason why I know what calories are is because I have to learn about them in chem... fun fun.. something to do with food and energy.. lol..

About me wanting to die before?  I'm okay now and I want to live!  Yeay for me! :D Firstly because I want to get 'Memiors of a Geisha' the novel and read it because I want to be able to compare it with the movie to which I saw and thought was really good! :D

Secondly, I have people to live for... I mean, no one sees me as a life or death matter, like they could live without me kinda thing, so I could live without me?  Wait, that's not my point... okay... I lost my point... :(

School sucks... 

We finally got our SENIOR and Ipswich badges today at assembly... Yeay....?  Cuz we've waited for it for so long.. the protest thingo went well mm?

I have a prep/spare now cuz my PE teacher is away with a virus of some sort...

[sighs] I'm so sleepy.. [yawns]....[nods off]...

I make the dumbest choices... I really do... I'm stressing out so much at the moment about school work - my hairs been falling out.  if mum didn't say anything about it I wouldn't have noticed all the hair on the floor under my desk and in the bathroom.. I always feel so tired.. I can barely sleep and my unrealiable Ipod has no sympathy sometimes either - dying on me when I need it the most.. I cannot go to sleep without listening to it, but it's gotten better now, and doesn't freeze and die on me for no reason...

Now, with school life being of no good and my English (the subject) making me think of stupid things like hanging myself but then thinking that would be horrible for my parents to see me if I was like that, you know?

I feel a bit disturbed.  I know I jumped out in front of a bus once, in fron of my dad and friend of so many years... it wasn't a deliberate attempt to die I swear... it's just that I could of, but i didn't - there was more to life than Forest Lake College.

That school was the worst thing that happened to me.. I was suppressed...  I mean, I still kinda am, but at least if I feel like it I can do things, you know?

Not wanting to live at the moment has also taken a toll on the other important side of my life, I guess you could refer to it as "family" life or whatever, I can't say because it is too personal for me, but I don't feel people should have to stick around when I'm in such depressed moods... It sucks I know... how can I feel like myself agian?

Why do I feel so ill sometimes?  Emotionally ill, and then I just become pyhsically ill as well.

Deep down, I know that I don't want to die... I KNOW that... but I don't FEEL it...

I hope things are not too late...

It is finally Friday.. just finished that Maths exam...  I really shouldn't be doing maths B.. lol...  Totally drianed, 2 assessments down, 1 to go... I did my presentation for BCt this morning in the first session - group thing, yea.  Now I've got to do English - last lesson today...

I'm SO hungry!  Not my fault that I had no morning tea cuz we had that maths exam and I forget to bring snacks.... can't think... my tummy is rumbleing like hell!

This weekend... mm.. I'll drop down to Forest Lake's lake again on Sunday with Tham... on Saturday I'm going to mum's best friend's son's thingy... yea.. I am SO looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow... :D thumbs up to the person who invented weekends...

I'm sad... why can't my cousins come up soon?  I miss them.. I mean they have their holidays for two weeks now thing cuz of the Commonwealth Games aso I guess when I have my holidays for Easter they won't have theirs? : ( boo hoo... I need to give Vincent he Country Road beach ball I bought for him...

Drained yet again of my energy.... It is only 8:36 in the morning! :'( I'm so tired and worried!  Tired because I went to bed late, and worried becasue I forgot my flash drive to print of and modify my English ass.. :'( Waah!!!

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Home now.. wasn't it a big day today?  [sighs].. Life... what is life?  Why the heck are we here?  Are we just some dolls in an old guy's playhouse?  I suppose not and I think that would offend many.  I would say I'm half Buddist and half Christian because I believe in both of them but if Budda was so great, why did he die from hunger?  Well, that's just what I heard... 

I remember questioning my existence quite some time ago.. look where that got me.. lol...

Ahh.. I think I'm just too tired - I tend to think a lot when I'm tired .. I am fine when I'm liek alert and all.. lol...

It is yet another week in the life of mwah... lol...  Gosh it sucks... haha....

Damn English assignment, I swear I'll be complaining about it until I finish it.. lol...  It is meant to be finished tomorrow!! Argh...

Nothing really interesting has happened so far mm...

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Home now... [sighs]... so many things go wrong sometimes...

Woot woot! :D It's a Sunday!  I love Sundays cuz I get to hang out with Julie, my girl! :D lol...  Okay, just in a good mood.. although I know i shouldn't be!  Damn English assignment! :'O  Waaa...

Yes, I'm just a big fat baby... well, I was, I wouldn't consider myself fat now, but hell I was chubby when I was younger!  I really should get some photos to show you guys.. lol...

Well, better go and do some studying... I've only been online and took in my clothes... lol...

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Damn English assignment...and Modern History exam on the same day.. I'm glad that English isn't due on Monday like it was spose to so yea.... I should be near done now but so many distractions!  My jeans I washed yesterday aren't all dry so I'm like in my room keeping an eye on them.. lol...

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Just got back from walking around the lake... fun fun.. :D  Took some shots.. you can view them mm?  [sighs]  I should go back to doing my assignment mm?  I mean, I shouldn't be so relaxed! Lol...

Laters...

Argh... I am an ass.  A huge big blob of ass.

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Okay, that was me in the morning.. Hmm... I'm okay now.. lol...  I am so loving "Everything" by B2K right now... "You're my angel, you're my heart..." sweet sweet.. :)

I hate having crappy days like this...  I'm in one of those "I don't care if I live or die because no one will miss me" type of days.  But somewhere deep, deep, deep, very deep down in side of me knows that there is at least one person who does...  But that one person does not find me to be a person who can be depended on... visit his space on MSN thingo... 

Am I so unrealiable?  Am I so untrusting?  I may have lost my trust in humanity ages ago when my best friend of like forever one day just said "I don't want to be your friend anymore".  My parents still keep in touch with hers' but we don't really talk anymore.  I chat to her brother sometimes, and like every other person, he kicks my ass on the PS2.. lol...

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I wrote that in ITS.. hmm.. I'm in a way better mood now.. lol..  This day isn't so bad after all....

My Ipod keeps screwing up.. it died again last night!  For like the billionth time!

Yeay!  It's the second last day of the week! :)

I chose to do Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) as my topic for English.  My last result for English is bad by my mother's standards and expectations for me in English, so I have to try harder! [sighs]  It's due on Tuesday now, not Monday, so we all have an extra day!  Yeay!  I can't believe it.. Male and female circumcision is just so bad!  I didn't know how unaware I was before.. [shakes head]

Check out these sites if you have time:

http://www.fathermag.com/health/circ/gmas/

http://www.disabilityworld.org/01-03_04/women/fgm.shtml

Funny how people you were in primary school still remember you now!  Yea, you Michael! Lol.. It was a total surprise to see you at TAFE, I thought I'd never see you again.  Oh, and Kim Ho?  I haven't seen you since my last maths tutorial with Co Vi, but Michael is trying to figure out where every body went so if you think you know Kim, or if you ARE Kim... (from Brigidine) please drop us a line.... :)