Garuman's Journals

What would you do if you only had 48 hrs to live?

Hard question really, but I dunno.. but they would include the following:

call up all my friends or see them if I can and tell them I love them and I will miss them when I'm gone!
annoy the neighbours by streaking down the road.. lol..
play tennis at BSHS with my foster father and tell him I'll miss him!
tell my parents that I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill their dream of becoming a pharmacist
fly a kite I made myself that flies
go fishing
go shopping
eat A LOT of sushi
clean up my room.. lol.. y not? I'll never be able to again.. lol..

What defines a true friend?

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."
- Bernard Meltzer

some one who tells you they like you the way you are and MEANS it
some one who cares
some one who accepts you for who you are
some one who is a shoulder to cry on
some one who knows when you're in a bad mood
some one who doesn't mind you crying to them
some one who gives you a tissue when you need one
some one who gives you hugs when you need or want one
some one who will talk to you even if they are a bit busy, but know that you need them more than the guy who is standing next to them

ID photos today.. finally! I hope mine turns out okay, I'm gonna go next lesson with Shruti. She's back from India and she got me a really nice bag!!! :D Really happy cuz I LOVE BAGS!! It's red and I don't have a red bag so yea.. all cool! I'm gonna take it with me on the weekend to Forest Lake.. I'll find clothes to match.. :D

Wierd things.. gosh.. I swear the resolution of my PC has changed..

Anyways.. the school has a Free Dress Day tomorrow for Innisfail State High School, y'know cyclone Larry... Poor people mm?

:'( I duno.. I really don't..

What is life?

"Remember, when all else fails, life is a fatal sexually transmitted condition, so enjoy it while you can." - Dr Philip Norrie

He he.. I think the things above look cute.. :D

So damn tired!! Mum insisted on driving me to school today after I missed the bus because I woke up late... :( So not my bad! Lol.. sid anyone says that anymore.. lol

P.E. today.. mmm.. right-io.. Cross Country course I think.. oh how fun.. not! I can't beleive at OLA/OLC they have P.E. as optional! Lucky ducks...

There are so many things that I think about, yet when asked I find it hard to string words together.. like I'm lost in my own thoughts.. not good considering it had caused me to think like this... Not good!

Mum promises me that I can go visit my Melbourne family (cousins but they are family so yea) on the June/July holidays.. I'm thilled because a) I miss them heaps and b) I want to get away from 'here' for a while.. of course I will miss my friends up here and what not but how many chances do I get to paint my little cousin's toenails? I need to take a photo of that!

Oh.. and I'm saving up to either get a new digital camera or a a memory card or whatever they are called for my current camera... Yes.. but I'm not sparing that Mimco scarf at David Jones! I'm going back! :D

Ahhh... shopping... :D

I want to go on a road trip with close friends when it comes to Schoolies.. I hope my parents will let me go!! :D

What do you want for easter?

I went to the Nursing Centre/Sick Bay/School Health Centre/whatever it is called now this morning... I will be going back to Mater soon.. maybe like some time this week or something - it's for my own good..

The holidays are coming up.. Yeay..

Okay.. I know it sounds weird if you have known me for a while but I like necklaces now.. *shock* *horror* lol... nah, I'm not joking! I bought myself a necklace I think a month or two ago.. I like it and it's got a love heart on it.. but I haven't worn it anywhere.. I just wanna look at it.. lol.. of course it's not real but hey I like it it doesn't matter.. I also got a black necklace.. see photo of me in my gallery with all my bangles and Julie's bangles. :D Yea.. I plan on asking people for such gifts now.. I mean when people used to ask me what I want them to get me I'd say something green, then I'd say a bag and Lisa bought me a green bag that imitated an Hermes Kelly bag.. but she knew I didn't like it and since I didn't want it to go to waste I gave it to Amber so yea... Lisa knows and she's all cool about it so yea.

I got off what I was saying.. lol.. yea.. oh.. and I love earrings! I think one of the things that keeps me sane is going shopping.. lol.. I really do have an obsession there.. lol..

So friends, my top 3 things to get me for Easter:

Drop earrings.. (I don't like hoops because it takes forever to put on and take off) there is a great selection at Diva...
Bangles.. Tree of Life have really nice ones.
Necklaces... there are great looking ones at Diva as well but I like the plastic ones with beads and stuff.. :)

N.B. Don't get me chocolate because I'll only eat it and won't remember you gave me something.. lol.. no jokes, I want something to keep as well...

Okay friends.. please post what YOU want me to get you for Easter cuz I have very little idea what you want if you just want chocolate you don't have to post anything cuz i'd get you guys choclate anyways.. :D

Why do we feel the way we do?

:'(

Considering I didn't type any words beside the title yesterday, I'm going to try and make up for it.

I don't know why things happen in my life and I don't know why I feel and act the why I do. I shouldn't expect other people to know either. And I will not expect them to. I don't want to waste my life just thinking about what could have been if this if that. I know that there are many regrets in my life.. like my mum not letting me buy that pink One Teaspoon umbrella.. I want to go back to David Jones to get that Mimco black and white scarf - I will so regret it if i don't!

But at the moment wearing a scarf is a bad idea.. I had PE before and I'm in air-con now as I have ITS, but it's still so hot! But not that hot as to not get and give hugs.. :)

I suffer when I am alone sometimes - I have to keep myself busy..

It's lunch! I'm off...

Note to self, add buzzword of 2005mysinglebest.

Home now, after maths tuts..

I eat a lot when I'm sad or moody or whatever besides happy or anything resembling that. Today was no exception. I spent one third of my lunch money for the week today and I am full as.. I ate til the point where i felt I might throw up.. but having the sommon sense that I do.. or was it time restraints? I stopped eating before I threw up.

My mum is going to book me back to go to Mater. I feel I need to cuz if I want to survive this year, going back there will help me. So many things are going through my head.. school... food.. chocolate.. friends.. sleep... shopping.. the future.. my homeworks.. classwork.. pencil cases.. stupid unrealiable ipod and mobile.. lights... I dunno.. I'm just so prone to breaking and damaging things its not funny...

[sighs]... I want to be positive.. like I will survive and all that.. But I dunno... the whole live for today thing has been thrown out the window.. but not completely of course..

What will be good now? Getting rid of this sick feeling. Some days I don't eat enough, and days like today I just eat too much...

I am still thankful for my friends and the people who are close to me because they tolerate me and still love slash like me for who I am, and to those that try to help me they are great.

Why why why?

"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks;
A woman loses hers after four kisses"

- H.L. Mencken

I would say.. only with a man that she loves... or at least is attracted to...

I got a new mattress! It's light blue and goes well with my blue matress sheet thing and pillow cover.. but it doesn't match my red racing car bed... Oh well.. :)

Things are pretty good now.. I'm in a better mood.. School will be okay. I mean I have to do much more work then other people just to do what they do normally because I'm so slow at understanding the concepts.. that's knida bad.. but I'm hanging in.. :)

Why.. why?

Love.. what is it?

â�œTo love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by the one you love is everything." - Anon

I love it! :D

I'm in a state of mass confusion atm...

What size do you have to be to get clothes that fit?

the size that it says on the label isn't always your size...

Either my clothes are all getting bigger ~~(yes, including my under garments! But my bras are still all cool.. lol)~~ and I'm getting smaller or something wierd is going on and somehow I just can't fit my clothes anymore... they are kinda loose... I mean, c'mon I was a size 10 undies AOS (at one stage and bigger probably before... yea... I was...[looks down]) and now I'm a size 8... am I just going to get smaller?

That's horrible - what am I going to do with all the clothes that I love and can't wear any more? That orange Agent 99 or something top from General Pants that I love so much... I can't wear it anymore.... :'(

I mean.. think about it.. I was the chubbiest kid ever and I was teased so bad for that... My parents recall how I came home every day from primary school blue because the other kids at school had taken all me lunch.. and that not only happened for a day, or a week, or a month... it was several years... We did take it up with the principal but there was little done about the matter and my parents decide that I should go to a private school... just when I had started to make friends.. it was bad.. I remember sitting in the school library watching 'Matilda'... I've never finished watching that movie...

We cannot forget the past because it has made us who we are, but who we are now makes us who we will be in the future.

I think that that is something to think about... I didn't quote it directly but I gave my interpretation of it because I don't remember.. lol.. :) mean, I thought about it but I didn't think much, just on a superficial level...

No maths tutoring today for me.. I feel considerably better than I did yesterday - I'm taking that as a good sign...

I am so grateful for the people I have... Even though I have two certificates in hospitaly, I can barely cook, Chien said "We still love you." Chien, you don't know how much that means to me when I feel so down, I remember things that happen, mostly the bad, but I'm trying to remember the good things, and since that was recent (the other night actually) I have put in my plan to be more positive... I know some people think I'm calm.. (yes, Porter) all the time and I should become a phycologist.. lol... I'd have to give myself therepy first.. lol...

Urgh... :(

My scanner thinks its upside down.. lol... I have to put the thing to be scanned in backwards.. lol...

"You're out of your mind."

Had a day off school yesterday - still totally drained though... I just woke up and was trying to get ready for school and knew that I just wasn't up for it. The previous night at maths tutoring my tutor said, quote, "You're out of your mind". I got defensive and was like no, but when I addmitted that I thought so too, it's not like he would listen.. [shrugs]...

Can I help feeling this way? I know what triggered this and I want it to go away... it is taking up so much of my energy.... I don't know how much longer I can hang on... I feel like I did 5 years ago, and that scares me.. I can't and don't want to believe that a simple thing like this has triggered such an emothional and pyhsical (can't spell...) urh.. reaction?

My mind has gone bonkers - I hope just to make it to the end of the day now.. I feel like everything is too much for me.. I feel weak, I am weak. I feel sad. I am sad...

English. It was my favourite subject because I could understand what the teacher was talking about. Now I don't know what I understand. There is a need to understand, yet I can't... I am falling back into that hole I tried to get out of... or maybe I was always in it...

Home now.. my mind is too filled just trying to control myself from not thinking stupid things.. [sighs].. It takes up so much effort to just try and not think about something.. I have tried to fight it before but I was not strong enough and I seeked proffessional help, I ran away though because I saw how much it upsetted my mother. I don't want to upset her and I have never intentionally tried to hurt her - unless it was some joke...

Now I have to use the majoring of what energy I have left to try and stop these thoughts from ruining me agian. I feel unstable, like I will collapse any second now. I can't handle it.. but I am trying.. I am trying more then I ever have because I know what I think may not be true. I KNOW that I have reasons to live and that I shouldn't be so comsumed in my thoughts as to let it ruin what I have a second time round...

School work is of second priority now.. I just want to concentrate on not going "crazy". Yes, I have been labled that... None other than my maths tutor I think...

I don't blame anyone for expressing their opinions of me to me because honesty is prefered because at least it's true.

I'm not saying I've been lied to my whole life.. I've just never trusted people so much.. I am learning but now I just want to live day by day.. and I'm taking it day by day. I can't think for tommorrow or the day after tommorrow.. Okay, I am thinking about tommorrow.. school.. I don't think I'm up for maths tutoring though.. [sighs]...

How do you know if he/she is the right one for you?

I got this idea off artysf... : )

I guess if you can be yourself around them, they listen to you when you need an ear, they love you for who you are and when they want to change you, it's only for the better? :D Urh..... I dunno.. haha..

Please add what you think.. : )